Nightfall, a Twilight parody - Part 2: Open Book

The one where I  analyze the misogynistic tone of the book and Bella's bitchiness.

The one where Linda and Edmund have a conversation.

♪You are not an open book, I can't do nothing 'bout that. But I'm worried, I'm overdrawn. What am I doing up at the witching hour? ♪

Stats so far:

Unnecesary whining: 10

Bad foreshadowing: 3.

General bitchiness: 3.

Mary Sue tendencies: 3.

Mineral eyes: 1.

Velvet voice of doom: 1.

Random misused words: 1.

 The next day was better… and worse.

It was better because I was already the most popular girl in school, despite being socially awkward and not having lifted a finger to make friends.

Mary Sue tendencies: 4.

The pup sat by me in English while Chess Club Eric stalked me. I found this nattering.

natter /ˈnætə/ chiefly brit

vb 

(intransitive) to talk idly and at length; chatter or gossip

n 

prolonged idle chatter or gossip

Etymology: 19th Century: changed from gnatter to grumble, of imitative origin; compare Low German gnatteren

Nattering? You found it gossipy? Was that a typo? I think you meant 'flattering'.

Random misused words: 2. 

It was worse because I was tired because of the wind.

Hey, Bella, guess what! I did some research. The average wind speed in Forks is much lower than it is in the town where I lived as a child - it is, in fact, the windiest city in southern Europe. Those winter nights when the wind was over 50 km/h, do you want to know what I did? Yes? I CLOSED THE WINDOW!
Unnecesary whining: 11.

 It was worse because Mr. Varner called on me in Trig when my hand wasn't raised and I had the wrong answer. *gasp* Oh no! That must have been traumatic! How dare he?

Unnecesary whining: 12.

It was miserable because I had to play volleyball, and I sent Mike Newton to the hospital.

Unnecesary whining: 13. 

And it was worse because Edmund Mullet, a boy I just met yesterday and who treated me badly but I care a lot about, wasn't in school at all. His siblings were sitting in the cafetería, but he wasn't there. Jeez, Bella. Relax. You met him yesterday.

Mike Newton, who had just come back from the hospital and had the qualities of a golden retriever, wanted to be my friend. So annoying!

Unnecesary whining: 14.

General bitchiness: 4.

Then he sat next to an ugly girl.

General bitchiness: 5.

It looked like I was going to have to do something about Mike, and it wouldn't be easy. In a town like this, where everyone lived on top of everyone else, diplomacy was essential. I had never been enormously tactful; I won't argue. I had no practice dealing with overly friendly boys anyone.

School finished. I hid from Mike. I went to the supermarket because this book is mysoginist so I have to handle the house now. Charlie had no food at all at home.

Bella says that she doesn't mind,and her father can't do anything on his own, despite the fact that her father has lived alone for a long time, and... this.

When I got home, I unloaded all the groceries, stuffing them in wherever I could find an open space. I hoped Charlie wouldn't mind. I wrapped potatoes in foil and stuck them in the oven to bake, covered a steak in marinade and balanced it on top of a carton of eggs in the fridge.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID THERE WAS NO FOOD.

Once I got home, I read my mother's emails.

Mom,

Everything is great. Of course it's raining. I was waiting for something to write about. School isn't bad, just a little repetitive. I met some nice kids who sit by me at lunch.

Your blouse is at the dry cleaners - you were supposed to pick it up Friday.

Charlie bought me a truck, can you believe it? I love it. It's old, but really sturdy, which is good, you know, for me.

I miss you, too. I'll write again soon, but I'm not going to check my e-mail every five minutes.

Relax, breathe. I love you.

Bella

Aside note: Bella is supposed to have a special bond with Renée, yet she doesn't seem very comunicative. She only emails her so she'll shut up. Her mother's emails aren't even smothering, I've seen worse. That is not how I treat my mother. Plus, if her mother is her best friend, I don't see why she thinks that moving would make her happier.

Dad arrived. I cooked dinner while he watched TV.

Seriously? His tenage daughter prepares dinner and he can't even wash the dishes? It seems like Charlie's just there to make Bella seem more mature.

Then I read Wuthering Heights for the fun of it.

We ate dinner in silence. We're both quiet. I asked Chucky about the Mullets. He started a speech about how nice they are, even though I just stated that he didn't like talking.

He went back to watch TV as I washed the dishes misogynistly.

The week was uneventful. I was invited to a trip to the beach. I accepted out of politeness, because the beaches in Spoons are lame.

Unnecesary whining: 15. 

I went to a bookstore, but it was lame. I hate my life!

Unnecesary whining: 16.

On Monday, it snowed. There went my good day.

Unnecesary whining: 17.

What is wrong with Bella? Why is she never pleased?

I've grown up in a cold desert. Okay, it wasn't really a desert, but almost. It was located between a circle of mountains. The wind blew really strong, often at 60km/h. It rarely ever rained, let alone snow; however, it was foggy every single day. The few times it snowed, I was really happy.

Then, I came to Ireland. It rained every single day. It annoyed me a little bit, being so used to the lack of rain, to having to save water, to the dryness in the air, to the river in town being completely dry most of the year. But I didn't whine all the time, and eventually I got used to it.

Edmund Mullet was at school. OMFG. *gasp*

I looked at Edmund. He was staring at me. Why shouldn't he? I'm so pretty!

I went to my Biology class. Edmund sat next to me and, for the first time since I knew him, I ignored him.

"Hi!!!!!" he greeted me. His voice sounded musical.

Velvet voice of doom: 2.

I looked up. Oh my god! I'd forgotten for the last five minutes how hot he was! I drooled over my notebook.

Yes, Bella, he's hot. We know. You don't have to remind us every two pages.

OMG he looks so mad!

"My name is Edmund Mullet. You must be Linda Goose."

I tried to find something coherent to say, but, again, his hotness, dazzled me.

Do I dazzle you?: 1.

"Uh... I... I like trains."

"That's good, I guess." He smiled.

We had to do a lab practice, which of course I already knew how to do because I'm a smartarse.

Mary Sue tendencies: 5.

When I looked up, I realized his eyes had changed colour.

"Did you get contacts?"

"No. I'm just hitting puberty."

"Oh-kay..."

Then he asked me about my life. I told him that my mum had remarried and I had gone to live with Charlie to make her happy.

I don't really understand this. Why would being apart from her only daughter make Renée happier?

"You put on a good show," he said slowly. "But I'd be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see."
I grimaced at him, resisting the impulse to stick out my tongue like a five-year-old, and looked away.
"Am I wrong?"
I tried to ignore him.
"I didn't think so," he murmured smugly.
1) Bella's not suffering. She's wangst personified. 2) THAT's none of your damn business. 3) You arrogant pretty boy.

After class, Mike followed me. I imagined with a wagging tail. *Coug*Bitch*Cough*

General bitchiness: 6.

I didn't kill anybody in gym class. I went home.

Chapter 1.

Chapter 3.