Nightfall, a Twilight parody - Part 1: First sight

♪I saw her face, now I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried♪

The one where Bella moves to a tiny town in Washington and starts whining since minute 1. Oh, and she meets Edward, and apparently it's love at first sight.

My name is Linda Goose and I am a socially awkward seventeen-year-old. I used to live in Phoenix with my mum and my stepfather, but they want me out of the picture because I’m too whiny. I’m moving to Spoons, Washington, to live with my dad, a completely lame police chief called Chucky. He has a porn ‘stache.

I said goodbye to my mum. My mum looks a lot like me, even though that information is useless because you don’t know what I look like. How could I leave my loving, erratic, harebrained mother to fend for herself? Um, Bella... Are you implying that your mum has some kind of mental illness? I mean, she's lived on her own before you were even born... But wait, it gets worse. Of course she had Phil now, so the bills would probably get paid, there would be food in the refrigerator, gas in her car, and someone to call when she got lost, but still… Oooh, so she needs a man to survive. I see what you did there.

I fucking hate Spoons. It’s cold. I hate cold.

Unnecesary whining: 1.

Chucky picked me up at the airport. Why do you call him by his Christian name? It's disrespectful. He’s so lame. Chucky had really been fairly nice about the whole thing. He seemed genuinely pleased that I was coming to live with him for the first time with any degree of permanence. Well, of course. As much of a bitch as you are to him, he's your dad and he loves you. He'd already gotten me registered for high school and was going to help me get a car. I knew he was more than a little confused by my decision — like my mother before me, I hadn't made a secret of my distaste for Forks. You rude little beeyotch. I had spent every summer there until I was fourteen; then, I put my foot down. Since then, my father had vacationed in California for two weeks. OK. That's it. That's IT. You're telling me that your father was compelled to travel all the way to California, spending a lot of money, because you don't want to be under the rain? You suck.

“I have bought you a car”, he announced.  ”It’s a welcome present.”

“But dad!”, I complained. “I was saving up for a car. You are so lame!”

Unnecesary whining: 2.

“It’s a Chevy”, he said. “Do you remember Billy Black, from La Push?”

“No”, I answered. “I don’t really care about most people, so I don’t remember a lot of them.”

"He used to go fishing with us during the summer," Charlie prompted.

That would explain why I didn't remember him. I do a good job of blocking painful, unnecessary things

from my memory. Apparently, going fishing with your dad is a horrible thing.

Unnecesary whining: 3.

“He’s on a wheelchair now, so he can’t drive.”

“Oh, that’s cool. Very nice, dad.”

Welcome to Nowhere, read the sign. In Spoons, everything was green. I hate green.

We arrived at home.

“This is your new car”, said Chucky.

The car was a complete piece of shit, but I loved it.

“Wow. Free.” You could be a little more thankful. I wish my dad had offered me a free car.

We went to my room.

“Well, Linda, if you need me, I’ll be at the bar, getting severely drunk.”

There was only one bathroom, which I'd have to share with Chucky. L' horreur! Bella, Bella, Bella. While I do understand you don't like sharing a bathroom with your dad, you must know that everyone I know has to share bathrooms. In my old boarding school, we had only one bathroom for nine people. Guess what? We took turns! No biggie! Even now, I share the bathroom with my brother.

Unnecesary whining: 4.

One of the best things about Chucky is he doesn’t hover. He left me alone to unpack and get settled. I started to cry. My life is so unfair!

I’m so ugly! I’m so white! When I was a child, my crib was covered so no one would see me.

See? That's me in the picture. I am so ugly!

Also, Bella's skin is translucent. LMFAO.

translucent /trænzˈluːs^ənt/adj
allowing light to pass through partially or diffusely; semitransparentEtymology: 16th Century: from Latin translūcēre to shine through, fromtrans- + lūcēre to shine

 Look at your hands. Can you see your veins? If so, that means your skin is translucent. Bella, you're not special. I'm assuming you meant your skin is washed out?
Random misused words: 1.

Unnecesary whining: 5.
Mary Sue tendencies: 1.

Maybe, if I looked like a girl from Phoenix should, I could work this to my advantage. But physically, I'd never fit in anywhere. I should be tan, sporty, blond — a volleyball player, or a cheerleader, perhaps —
all the things that go with living in the valley of the sun. No, Bella, you won't get rejected because of the way you look. You will because of your bitchiness.

I went to bed and cried my eyes out. Well, this at least I can relate to, since I transferred schools and I wasn't happy. But I still think you're whining a bit too much.

Unnecesary whining: 6.

Next morning, I woke up early. I tweeted, OMG my life sux so much!, then went to the kitchen. Chucky was obviously a stalker: he had a lot of pics of mum and me. Bella, your father has photos of you because he loves you and he hardly ever sees you. Plus, you can't expect everything to be done your way.

Unnecesary whining: 7.

I cried a little bit more, then left for school. It was cold, very cold. I hate cold. 

Unnecesary whining: 8.

I didn’t like my school. There were no metal detectors. What kind of high school doesn’t have burnouts who try to sneak a gun inside the school?! LOL, if this is what all schools look like in the States, I feel really sorry for the Americans. Why is she whining? Does she really want to go to a school that looks like a prison?

Unnecesary whining: 9.

Everyone was yelling at me, “You’re a freak!”. Because I was so awkward, I had no friends, and I never would.

Inside, it was brightly lit, and warmer than I'd hoped. The office was small; a little waiting area with padded folding chairs, orange-flecked commercial carpet, notices and awards cluttering the walls, a big clock ticking loudly. Plants grew everywhere in large plastic pots, as if there wasn't enough greenery outside. You're just looking for something to angst about, aren't you?

Unnecesary whining: 10.
The room was cut in half by a long counter, cluttered with wire baskets full of papers and brightly colored flyers taped to its front. There were three desks behind the counter, one of which was manned by a large, red-haired woman wearing glasses. She was wearing a purple t-shirt, which immediately made me feel overdressed. So... what are you wearing?

I told the redheaded receptionist I was Linda Goose. I notice the awareness in her eyes: it was obvious that everyone had been talking about me, since I was so important. Or maybe she's been told that there was a new student. She gave me a schedule and a map.

I looked at the map in the truck, trying to memorize it now; hopefully I wouldn't have to walk around with it stuck in front of my nose all day. I stuffed everything in my bag, slung the strap over my shoulder, and sucked in a huge breath. I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me. ZOMG I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE!

Bad foreshadowing: 1.

I finally exhaled and stepped out of the truck. I kept my face pulled back into my hood as I walked to the sidewalk, crowded with teenagers. My plain black jacket didn't stand out, I noticed with relief. Where on earth would a plain black jacket stand out?

I entered my English class. Everybody was looking at me. I kept my eyes down on the reading list the teacher had given me. It was fairly basic: Bronte, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Faulkner. I’d already read everything.

Mary Sue tendencies: 2.

After class, an ugly boy approached me. Eugh! He said his name was Eric. “I can show you where your next class is.” So not only was he ugly, he was also annoying! So overhelpful! Bitch, you're new. A minute ago you were complaining that nobody would like you.

 (Eric.)

“So, this is a lot different than Phoenix, huh?” he asked.

“Very.”

“It doesn’t rain much there, does it?”

“Three or four times a year.”

“Wow, what must that be like?” he wondered.

“Sunny,” I told him.

“You don’t look very tan.”

“My mother is part albino.”

He didn’t laugh. My joke was hilarious, so he obviously had no sense of humour. I told another joke. “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!” He still wasn’t laughing. I sighed. Or maybe your joke wasn't funny.

General bitchiness: 1.

The rest of the morning passed in about the same fashion. My Trigonometry teacher, Mr. Varner, who I would have hated anyway just because of the subject he taught, was the only one who made me stand in front of the class and introduce myself. I stammered, blushed, and tripped over my own boots on the way to my seat. I made a bloody mess in the floor.

“Are you OK?,” asked the teacher. He was also overly helpful.

“Yes, why?”

A kind girl invited me to her table at lunch. I didn’t bother to remember her name or listen to her. She introduced me to her friends. I didn’t bother to remember their names, either. The ugly boy, Eric, waved at me from across the room.

General bitchiness: 2.

I noticed a clique of 5 weird guys. They were all very hot, white as a chalk, and had different hair colours. The red-haired one was REALLY hot. I drooled.

He looked away quickly, more quickly than I could, though in a flush of embarrassment I dropped my eyes at once. In that brief flash of a glance, his face held nothing of interest — it was as if she had called his name, and he'd looked up in involuntary response, already having decided not to answer. Wait, that's exactly it. How do you know?

Bad foreshadowing: 2.

As I examined them, the youngest, one of the Cullens, looked up and met my gaze, this time with evident curiosity in his expression. As I looked swiftly away, it seemed to me that his glance held some kind of unmet expectation.

Bad foreshadowing: 3.

“Who are those?,” I asked.

“The Mullets and the Hales. They’re weird, really weird. They sleep with each other. Edmund’s hot, but he’s so gay.” I wondered when he’d turned her down. I smiled. General bitchiness: 3.

I went to my Biology class with Angela. Edmund was there. He acted like I had just farted. Okay, I had farted - but my farts don’t really smell.

Unfortunately the lecture was on cellular anatomy, something I already knew because I am so smart.

Edmund and I just stared at each other, making awkward faces, for the whole class.

 I'd noticed that his eyes were black — coal black.

Mineral eyes: 1.

Yet another guy approached me after class. He said his name was Mike Newton. We went together to gym class.

"If I were lucky enough to sit by you, I would have talked to you," he told me.

Mary Sue tendencies: 3.

After gym class, I went to the reception again. Edmund Mullet was trying to change his biology class. Jerk. His voice sounded like velvet. I don't know what velvet sounds like.

Velvet voice of doom: 1.

Chapter 2