La Celestina: Review

La Celestina is a must-read in every single Spanish Literature class. I read this when I was fourteen. It sucked. I've read it again this year. It still sucks. To me, it's like the Reinassance version of Twilight. Seriously Siriusly, I don't see why anyone would like this book, let alone recommend it. This is probably the first bad review of this book anyone has written, but seriously, I can't stand it.

   This book has the worst writing I have ever encountered. It's nothing but hour after hour of people talking, and I mean that literally. No anotations. No "Melibea felt scared" or "she said sarcastically", or even "she knocked on  the door". People in this book actually says sound effects out loud. I swear this line was actually in the book:

[Areúsa] - I shall visit my cousin Elicia. Step step. Oh, here I am. I'll knock. Knock knock.

Seriously, Fernando, how hard is it to write "Areúsa knocked"? I'm pro-"show-don't-tell", but this is just ridiculous. There's no way to figure out anything. I had to turn back the pages a hundred times just to figure out when a character was being sarcastic.

Fernando certainly has a good, poetic vocabulary, and he has mastered purple prose. But it's impossible to read without an explanation given.

   Here's the similarity to Twilight: it has no other plot than people falling in love and doing really stupid things, the main characters fall in love in one day and their love is incredibly unhealthy and shallow.

Calisto sees Melibea in her garden and declares to her his undying love. Duude. Way to be creepy. Am I the only one who's reminded of the pilot of How I Met Your Mother when Ted met Robin and he said, "I think I'm in love with you"?

Anyway, Calisto is rejected, but Melibea is in love with Calisto too. Or something like that. But we don't know that yet. He goes home and whines while his servant Sempronio makes really misogynist comments. Sempronio goes to get Celestina, a sorcerer. She casts a love spell, which is kind of like that rape potion from Harry Potter. It causes an obsessive, stalking love. 

So Melibea, under the effects of the spell, is obsessed with Calisto. They have sexo. Celestina is given her reward, but she doesn't want to share it with Calisto's servants, so they murder her. Have I mentioned that Celestina lives with a very beautiful, cunning, evil prostitute called Elicia? Oh, and she's Sempronio's lover.  Her cousin, Areúsa, is Pármeno's lover.

Both Sempronio and Pármeno are executed for the murder of Celestina. Elicia promptly forgives Sempronio for killling her mother and cries over him. She blames Calisto and Melibea. But Areúsa has a plan. DUN DUN DUN DUN! She hires a profesional murderer to kill Calisto. He goes to their meeting, but at the last moment he can't do it, so he leaves. Then, conveniently enough, Calisto falls from a very high wall and dies. Then Melibea's sad and kills herself. Her father cries for one entire chapter. (Actually, I must say I consider his monologue to be the best part in the book.) THE END.