How to be a good writer

My Immortal: Commentary

You might not reach the levels of Shakespeare or even Stephen King, but your novel might be decent... Just don't do what she did.

Excerpt from Encyclopedia Dramatica: My Immortal is the most famous, notoriously bad fan fiction ever written. Based very loosely in theHarry Potter universe and featuring the blatant Mary-Sue protagonist Ebony (or often times "Enoby") Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, it reads like a detailed list of everything a fanfic author could ever possibly do wrong, only taken to exaggerated, horrifying extremes. Written by super-tard Tara Gilesbie, My Immortal was originally posted to sometime in 2006, but was subsequently deleted by the staff after causing a severe drop in the site's collective IQ. In fact, the fanfic is so unbelievably bad that many refuse to accept that it's real, insisting that Tara was only trolling and that the story is really a parody. Regardless of the author's intent, My Immortal remains one of the most cringe-worthy, unintentionally hilarious, so-bad-it's-good pieces of literature the internets have ever shat out.

Let's start, shall we?

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. Why? You seem to be doing OK with spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

Writing tip #1: People should be able to understand your story in between all the misspellings. Did you know Microsoft Word has an automatic spelling corrector? Try it some time soon. People with an average IQ don't write like that when they're texting. You're supposed to be writing an educated text. I've  taken the liberty of adding a few corrections here and there, marked in red.

Here's what I think she meant.

Aside Note: Special fangs (get it?, 'cause I'm gothic) to my girlfriend (ew, not in that way) I never asked. Raven, Bloodytearz666, for helping me with the story and spelling. You rock! Justin you're the love of my depressing life, you rock too! Who you talking 'bout? Justin Bieber?

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way (Oh, for the love of Zeus, what the hell is that name? Your parents must have been really high when they named you.) and I have long, ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) (Did your parents already know what colour your hair was going to be before you actually had any?) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). (I don't want to.) I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. (LOL, incest much?) I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. (No! Run! It's a Cullen!) I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) (No sh*t!) and I wear mostly black. (You don't say!) I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I [was] am wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I [was] am wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.

Okay... Where do I begin? Let's see... That's the most stupid description I've ever read. How can a good writer improve it?

Writing tip #2: Use commas and conjunctions properly. The reader doesn't want to hear "U and V and W and X and Y and Z".

There's a literary device called polysyndeton.

Polysyndeton is the use of several conjunctions in close succession, especially where some might be omitted (as in "he ran and jumped and laughed for joy"). It is a stylistic scheme used to achieve a variety of effects: it can increase the rhythm of prose, speed or slow its pace, convey solemnity or even ecstasy and childlike exuberance. In grammar, a polysyndetic coordination is a coordinationin which all conjuncts are linked by coordinating conjunctions (usually and, but, or, nor in English).

However, this is not a good time to use polysyndeton.
Writing tip #3: Show. don't tell. Since you've already gone to extreme lengths to describe your character, do you really need to tell us that she's a goth? I'm sure we could have figured that out ourselves.
Writing tip #4: Be careful with the verb tenses. If you're talking about something that has happened today, like the clothes you're wearing, you must use the present tense.
Writing tip #5: Don't overuse words. Don't use twice the words "I was wearing" in the same paragraph, unless you're trying to make a parallelism, which I really doubt you are.
I rewrote this  so it made a bit more sense.
Hi! My name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back, and icy blue eyes like limpid tears. A lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. My skin is pale white. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example, today I'm wearing a black corset with matching lace around it, a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I have on black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.
Now I kind of know what she meant. I picture Ebony as looking like this:

 I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. Uh, what? Read that sentence again. How can it be snowing and raining at the same time?

Writing tip #6: Try to make sense. When you write something, think to yourself: is that possible? If it is, go on. If it isn't, or it is possible but very unlikely, change it, or at least try to explain it.

 A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. Charming.

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. I don't think Draco would ever say something shyly, but sure, whatever.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! One word.

NO.