Nightfall, a Twilight parody - Part 9: I Wanna Know What Love is

Guys, it's been a month, but I couldn't force myself to do this - Christmas is supposed to be  a time of happiness.

Unnecesary whining: 23.

Bad foreshadowing: 5.

General bitchiness: 8.

Mary Sue tendencies: 7.

Mineral eyes: 2.

Velvet voice of doom: 2.

I do not think it means what you think it means: 5.

Do I dazzle you?: 6.

Chagrin: 2.

Murmur:  5.

"Can I ask just one more?" I pleaded as Edward accelerated much too quickly down the quiet street. He didn't seem to be paying any attention to the road. WTF. I guess he reads the road's mind?

He sighed."One," he agreed.

"Well… you said you knew I hadn't gone into the bookstore, and that I had gone south. I was just wondering how you knew that."

"I followed your scent." He looked at the road, giving me time to compose my face. I couldn't think of an acceptable response to that, but I filed it carefully away for future study.

"And then you didn't answer one of my first questions…" I stalled.

He looked at me with disapproval. That is not an appropiate response. "Which one?"

"How does it work — the mind-reading thing? Can you read anybody's mind, anywhere? How do you do it? Can the rest of your family… ?" I felt silly, asking for clarification on make-believe. Bella, I think you're silly for several reason: you're rude, whiny, bitchy, shallow, smug and clingy.

But!

I do not think you're silly for wanting to know more about mind reading. I would too. It's interesting.

"That's more than one," he pointed out. I simply intertwined my fingers and gazed at him, waiting.

"No, it's just me. And I can't hear anyone, anywhere. I have to be fairly close. The more familiar someone's… 'voice' is, the farther away I can hear them. But still, no more than a few miles." He paused thoughtfully. "It's a little like being in a huge hall filled with people, everyone talking at once. It's just a hum — a buzzing of voices in the background. Until I focus on one voice, and then what they're thinking is clear.

"Most of the time I tune it all out — it can be very distracting. And then it's easier to seem normal" —

he frowned as he said the word — "when I'm not accidentally answering someone's thoughts rather than

their words."

"Why do you think you can't hear me?" I asked curiously.

Yes, why is that? We never get an explanation better than 'Bella is a SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE!' or the even worse explanation from Breaking Dawn, 'It was her vampire power all along'.

"I don't know," he murmured. "The only guess I have is that maybe your mind doesn't work the same way the rest of theirs do. Like your thoughts are on the AM frequency and I'm only getting FM."

Murmur: 6.

"My mind doesn't work right? I'm a freak?" YES. The words bothered me more than they should — probably because his speculation hit home. I'd always suspected as much, and it embarrassed me to have it confirmed.

"I hear voices in my mind and you're worried that you're the freak," he laughed. "Don't worry, it's just a

theory…" Hint: it's because she's empty. His face tightened. "Which brings us back to you."

I sighed. How to begin?

"Aren't we past all the evasions now?" he reminded me softly.

I looked away from his face for the first time, trying to find words. I happened to notice the speedometer.

"Holy crow!" Gosh dang it to heck! I shouted. "Slow down!"

"What's wrong?" He was startled. But the car didn't decelerate.

"You're going a hundred miles an hour!" I was still shouting.

"Relax, Bella." He rolled his eyes, still not slowing.

"Are you trying to kill us?" I demanded. Why is everyone demanding in this book? Are they really so unlikable? It's just like in The Princess Bride when Fezzini kept using the word 'inconceivable' until it lost its real meaning.

I do not think it means what you think it means: 6.

"We're not going to crash." You bastard. Even if you have amazing reflexes, Bella's car does not. Even if you're inmortal, Bella is not. Jackass.

"Enough commentary on my driving," he snapped. "I'm still waiting for your latest theory."

I bit my lip. ENOUGH WITH THE LIP BITING ALREADY! He looked down at me, his honey eyes unexpectedly gentle. We get it! His eyes are yellow!

"I won't laugh," he promised.

"I ran into an old family friend —Jacob Black," I continued. "His dad and Charlie have been friends since I was a baby."

He still looked confused.

"His dad is one of the Quileute elders." I watched him carefully. His confused expression froze in place. You don't really need the word 'confused' there.

"We went for a walk —" I edited all my scheming out of the story Of course. If Edward could read your thoughts, he'd know how unlikable you are and dump you ipso facto. "— and he was telling me some old legends — What are all those dashes doing there? trying to scare me, I think. He told me one…" I hesitated.

"Go on," he said.

"About vampires." I realized I was whispering. I couldn't look at his face now. But I saw his knuckles tighten convulsively on the wheel. Run. RUN! "Dammit, Bella! Why did you make me hit you?"

"And you immediately thought of me?" Still calm. That's neither a sentence nor an appropiate reaction.

"No. He… mentioned your family."

He was silent, staring at the road. I was worried suddenly, worried about protecting Jacob. A-ha! Because, deep down, she  knows he's dangerous!

"He just thought it was a silly superstition," I said quickly. "He didn't expect me to think anything of it." It didn't seem like enough; I had to confess. "It was my fault, I forced him to tell me."

"Why?"

"Lauren said something about you — she was trying to provoke me. And an older boy from the tribe said your family didn't come to the reservation, only it sounded like he meant something different. So I got Jacob alone and I tricked it out of him," I admitted, hanging my head.

He startled me by laughing. Laughing at her, again. I glared up at him. He was laughing, but his eyes were fierce, staring ahead.

"Tricked him how?" he asked.

"I tried to flirt — it worked better than I thought it would." Disbelief colored my tone as I remembered.

"I'd like to have seen that." He chuckled darkly. Why does he keep chuckling darkly? What does that even mean? Is that like an evil laugh? "And you accused me of dazzling people — poor Jacob Black."

I blushed and looked out my window into the night.

"What did you do then?" he asked after a minute.

"I did some research on the Internet."

"And did that convince you?" His voice sounded barely interested. But his hands were clamped hard onto the steering wheel. Be a good girl. If you do all that, maybe I won't punish you too much. Maybe you'll be able to go out of the house in two days, no two weeks — or something like that. It's been a while since I read It.

"No. Nothing fit. Most of it was kind of silly. And then…" I stopped.

"What?"

"I decided it didn't matter," I whispered.

"It didn't matter?" His tone made me look up — I had finally broken through his carefully composed mask. His face was incredulous, with just a hint of the anger I'd feared.

"No," I said softly. "It doesn't matter to me what you are."

A hard, mocking edge entered his voice. "You don't care if I'm a monster? If I'm not human!"

"No."

He was silent, staring straight ahead again. His face was bleak and cold.

"You're angry," I sighed. "I shouldn't have said anything."

"No," he said, but his tone was as hard as his face. "I'd rather know what you're thinking — even if what you're thinking is insane."

"So I'm wrong again?" I challenged.

"That's not what I was referring to. 'It doesn't matter'!" he quoted, gritting his teeth together.

"I'm right?" I gasped.

"Does it matter?"

I took a deep breath.

"Not really." I paused. "But I am curious." 

"What are you curious about?"

"How old are you?"

"Seventeen," he answered promptly.

"And how long have you been seventeen?"

His lips twitched as he stared at the road. "A while," he admitted at last. That's a bit pedophiliac, but that doesn't worry me too much - after all, vampires don't age. Then Edward dismisses all of the vampire characteristics to prove that Meyer just didn't care.

(...)

"Tell me why you hunt animals instead of people," I suggested, my voice still tinged with desperation.

"I don't want to be a monster."

"But animals aren't enough?"

He paused. "I can't be sure, of course, but I'd compare it to living on tofu and soy milk; we call ourselves vegetarians, our little inside joke. It doesn't completely satiate the hunger — or rather thirst. But it keens (keeps) us strong enough to resist. Most of the time." His tone turned ominous. "Sometimes it's more difficult than others." You see, a lot of people find it's stupid that they call themselves vegetarian. I don't. It's kind of an inside joke, and I like to be fair.

"Is it very difficult for you now?" I asked.

He sighed. "Yes." Ruuuuun!

"But you're not hungry now," I said confidently — stating, not asking.

"Why do you think that?"

"Your eyes. I told you I had a theory. I've noticed that people — men in particular — are crabbier when they're hungry."

He chuckled. "You are observant, aren't you?" The same person who forgets to breathe.

I didn't answer; I just listened to the sound of his laugh, committing it to memory.

"Were you hunting this weekend, with Emmett?" I asked when it was quiet again.

"Yes." He paused for a second, as if deciding whether or not to say something. "I didn't want to leave, but it was necessary. It's a bit easier to be around you when I'm not thirsty."

"Why didn't you want to leave?"

"It makes me… anxious… to be away from you." Oh my, the codependency stats.

"You might have called me," I decided.

He was puzzled. "But I knew you were safe."

"But I didn't know where you were. I —" I hesitated, dropping my eyes.

"What?" His velvety voice was compelling.

Velvet voice of doom: 3.

"I didn't like it. Not seeing you. It makes me anxious, too." I blushed to be saying this out loud.

"Ah," he groaned quietly. "This is wrong." You're absolutely right!

I couldn't understand his response. "What did I say?"

"(...) It's wrong. It's not safe. I'm dangerous, Bella — please, grasp that." Well, then, leave her alone!

"No." I tried very hard not to look like a sulky child.

"I'm serious," he growled.

"So am I. I told you, it doesn't matter what you are. It's too late."

His voice whipped out, low and harsh. "Never say that."

I bit my lip Aaaaargh! Don't make me start to count angsty lip biting! and was glad he couldn't know how much that hurt. What hurt? Biting your lip?

"What are you thinking?" he asked, his voice still raw. That would be cute in other circumstances, but here it's just Edward being creepy because he needs to know what everyone is thinking. I just shook my head, not sure if I could speak. I read that as 'I wasn't sure I was allowed to speak', and was confused as hell for a few seconds. Then again, it wouldn't be surprising considering their relationship.

"Are you crying?" He sounded appalled. I hadn't realized the moisture Hey! That's one of your favourite words, isn't it? You've misused it four times already! in my eyes had brimmed over. I quickly rubbed my hand across my cheek, and sure enough, traitor tears Traitor tears? Really? were there, betraying me.

"No," I said, but my voice cracked.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he sighed, and I knew he wanted me to leave now.

"Tomorrow, then." I opened the door unwillingly.

"Bella?" I turned and he was leaning toward me, his pale, glorious face just inches from mine. My heart stopped beating. If you mean that literally, you should get that checked out.

"Sleep well," he said. His breath blew in my face, stunning me. It was the same exquisite scent that clungb to his jacket, but in a more concentrated form. I blinked, thoroughly dazed. He leaned away.

Do I dazzle you?: 7.

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn't know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was eerie. Second, there was part of Stephenie — and I didn't know how bonkers that part may be — that found this shit romantic. And third I was unconditionally and irrevocably chagrined that I had once been a Twihard.

Chapter 1

Chapter 8

Your favourite female character and why

Minerva McGonagall. "It screws the other way."

Harry Potter Challenge: Day 6

What house would you want to be in?

Well, that seems obvious. Griffindor, right? Everyone wants to be in Griffindor.

Which house would you think you would get?

However, I'm realist, and I've always known that I've been sorted into Ravenclaw. When people talk about me, the first quality that comes to their minds is 'intelligent'.

This changed the day I took the Pottermore sorting quiz: it sorted me in Hufflepuff. This could not be! No one wants to be a Hufflepuff! What the hell is a Hufflepuff? I was a Ravenclaw! I took several different tests, and only one sorted me into Ravenclaw. Nonetheless, the tests worked just fine; I tested it by answering like a Slytherin would, and it sorted me in Slytherin.

Prepare for a tl;dr.

So why was I not sorted in Ravenclaw? Well, I noticed a pattern. At  the end of each test, it showed the percentage of each house I had. While the percentage of Griffindor was always 10% higher than Slytherin and about 15% lower than Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, the difference between Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff was of 1%. So do I have Hufflepuff traits? Let's see... loyal and hardworking... Maybe...

But what is Hufflepuff's biggest trait? I propose an experiment: think of Cedric Diggory. Do you have in your mind the picture of pre-gay-sparkling-vampire Robert Pattinson? Okay, try to describe him with one word.

I bet it's nice.

Yes, indeed, Hufflepuffs are nice. Cedric is an antagonist for Harry: he beats him in quidditch, he's dating his crush... always someone better. And yet, he is so nice,  you can't feel nothing but affection for him. He offers Harry a rematch; he helps him whenever he can. Cedric is nice, and so is Tonks, and Hannah Abbott, and Ernie McMillan.

Of course, you can object to this by saying that Zacharias Smith isn't nice; of course, but let me explain it. You see, people are never completely square. Unlike the flat characters from most fanfics, real people are full of contradictions. That is why sometimes it takes longer for the students to get sorted. For example, Draco Malfoy was sorted in Slytherin as soon as he put on the hat, because he had the mind of a Slytherin. Neville, Hermione and Harry, on the other hand, took almost five minutes each. Neville had the traits of a Hufflepuff - nice, humble, loyal and hardworking - but he was also very brave, which tipped the scales towards Griffindor. Hermione was witty like a Ravenclaw, but, in the end, she thought bravery was more valuable, and thus was sent to Griffindor. My point? What the hat really takes into account in the event of a hatstall is what you value the most. This was the question I think made the difference:

What would you like to be remembered for?

• Being wise (Ravenclaw). 

•  Being good (Hufflepuff). 

•  Being great (Slytherin). 

•  Being bold (Griffindor).

I chose being good, because I am aware of my intelligence and I want to use it to do something good in life, something that makes others happy. In the end, I prefer being nice rather than being clever, and that's what made the difference for me. I'm a proud Ravenpuff.

For the record, I do not think that Hufflepuffs are 'the rest'. If this was true, Peter Pettigrew would have been sorted in Hufflepuff, but he was the opposite of loyal, so he wasn't. I think Helga taking 'the rest' of the students is a hint of Hufflepuff's kindness.

Harry Potter Challenge: Day 5

Your favourite male character and why

Neville Longbottom. Like Harry Potter, he was born at the end of July, and his parents had been members of the Order of the Phoenix. Like Harry, he lost his parents to Voldy, and he could very well have been the subject of the prophecy; but he isn't. He's not a hero; he's just an ordinary boy who has been presented with extremely unlucky circumstances. He is, in fact, the unluckiest person you will ever meet. His parents have been tortured to insanity by a crazy Death Eater; he's not very talented in any subject, except for Herbology; his only alive relative, his grandmother, is a bit too critical; he has the word bottom in his last name; and everything seems to backfire to him, even when it's Lockhart's fault. It's always him. It's impossible not to feel simpathy for him.

But Neville Longbottom is aware of all this and never, ever gives up, and that what makes him awesome. Even the sorting hat knew he was awesome. Here's a little known fact: Neville took almost five minutes to be sorted, because he was fighting with the Sorting Hat. The Hat wanted him to be in Griffindoor, but Neville disagreed, thinking he could only be a Hufflepuff. As it turns out, the Hat was right. In fact, the only person who is almost as awesome as Neville is his grandma, who sent a Death Eater to the hospital.

1. Book 1: He had the courage to stand up to his only friends, which is something both Remus Lupin and Dumbledore himself failed to do.
2. He stood up to Crabbe and Goyle all by himself, even if he got his butt kicked.
3. Book 2: The Cornish pixies!
4. Book 3: His boggart. Oh my god, Drag Queen Snape.
5. Book 4: He gave Harry the solution for the second trial of the Triwizard tournament.
6. Oh my god! I've killed Harry Potter!
7. Book 5: How he trained in Dumbledore's Army, to the point that he became an Auror later.
8. His tongue is paralyzed and he can't cast spells, so he pokes a Death Eater in the eye.
9. He stood up to the Death Eater who tortured his parents.
10. "HE'S DOT ALONE! HE'S STILL GOD BE!"
11. Book 7: He was the leader of the resistance.
12. He was so casual about his wounds.
13. Which he got by standing up regularly to his Death Eater teachers.
14. He painted graffittis on the walls.
15. He was left alone when Luna and Ginny didn't come back, and he continued.
16. He stood up to Snape, who was his Boggart.
17. He made his granny proud.
18. He destroyed the last Horcrux.
19. With the Sword of Griffindoor, that only a true Griffindoor could have.
20. WHILE ON FIRE.
21. The sword was only his only weapon - he'd lost his wand.
22. His speech in the movie.
23. The bridge scene. Just... the bridge scene.
24. 'How it should have ended' actually has him saying, 'I'm awesooome!'.
25. He insulted Voldy when he was threatening to kill him.

And here are some random Neville Longbottom facts:

1. Neville Longbottom's tears cure basilisk venom. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Only Neville can look badass in a knitted cardigan.

3. Chuck Norris's boggart is Neville Longbottom.

4. They were going to release a Hogwarts edition of Clue but the answer always turned out to be "Neville Longbottom, in the courtyard, with the sword of Godric Gryffindor."

5. Neville Longbottom once challenged Lance Armstrong to a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Neville Longbottom won... by five.

6. The seventh book initially followed Neville's last year at Hogwarts, but J.K. Rowling changed it to Harry's endless camping adventures to bring the rating down to PG-13.

7. Merlin was awarded an Order Of Neville (Third Class).

8. When Neville Longbottom uses the Knight Bus, he calls himself Harry Potter to avoid all the attention.

9. Dragon's blood has twelve uses. There are forty-three uses for Neville Longbottom's blood with more being discovered every day.

10. Neville Longbottom is sick of these m&^%ing snakes on this m$#%$ing campus.

11. Neville urinates Felix Felicis.

12. If Grindewald and Voldemort were to get in a fight, Neville would win.

13. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Neville Longbottom bites the heads off of Hippogriffs.

14. Neville is one-eigth centaur. This has nothing to do with bloodline; he once ate an entire centaur.

15. Neville Longbottom sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled bad-ass wizarding ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Neville Expelliarmus'd the devil's ass and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play Exploding Snap every second Wednesday of the month.

16. The Sorting Hat is no longer used at Hogwarts; students are sorted based on how long it takes them to cry in the presence of Neville Longbottom.

17. Nicolas Flamel created the philosopher's stone. Neville Longbottom created Nicolas Flamel.

18. Neville uses Nagini's blood as soy sauce.

19. If you spell "Neville Longbottom" in Scrabble, it's an automatic win.

20. Even though it was difficult getting four dragons for the Triwizard Tournament, the officials decided it was safer than the original plan of using Neville.

21. Muggles don't know about Lord Voldemort, but they do know about Neville Longbottom.

22. Neville Longbottom doesn't bow to hippogriffs. Hippogriffs bow to Neville Longbottom.

23. Neville became Head Boy AND Girl. No one dared comment.

24. They were going to release a Neville Longbottom edition of clue but the answer always turned out to be "Neville Longbottom, in the courtyard with a sword."'

25.Someone once asked Neville if there was alien life out in the universe. Neville replied, "There used to be."

26. Neville Longbottom listens to Mandrake cries on his iPod for entertainment.

Carrie 2: The Rage

The movie follows the story of Carrie's half-sister, Rachel, who was mentioned only by name at the end of the book.

Apparently, she's even creepier.

Cue creepy music and ambiance. It starts with a crazy woman painting her ridiculously religious house. I know it's red paint, but - ew, it just looks so much like blood. Red room! Red room! Red Room!

This woman is Rachel's mum. Then we see Rachel. She looks very young and she wants to play.

"Hey, I got an idea!" she says adorably. Her mother paints her face.

Cut to Rachel's mother beint taken to a mental asylum. She screams, "Rachel! Rachel!"

My heart just broke.

But Rachel's just standing there, with red paint all ove.r her face. She is being conforted by a cop. "Your mom's gonna be okay," he assures her. "Is your dad around?"

 "I don't have a father."

The officer says he's gonna take her with a really nice family, but Rachel's not happy about it. She runs inside the house and starts moving stuff with her mind.

Jerks.

Rachel's all grown up now. She lives in a nice house, with some nice foster parents and a nice dog. They mention her mum: she's taking medications and getting better. This is clearly an awkward topic for Rachel, because she heads off to school.
On the bus, she meets her BFF, Lisa, who looks unusually cheerful. The reason? She lost her virginity to one of the popular kids, Erik Stark. Wow, no way that could go wrong...

Erik tells his friends how he did Lisa. They keep a notebook with scores for all the girls. Now I really want to slap this guy in the face.

But, to be honest, I think he really does kinda like her - he smiles at her when he sees her.
His friends catalogue Lisa as a Coyote date - too ugly.
Now, you little sons of little bitches, not only are you blind, but you also make me physically sick. Each second I want more to punch your pretty faces. In what dystopic world do you consider Mena Suvari a Coyote Girl? And I'm a girl.

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B.

Nothing better to explain my bitter feelings that angry
Sherlock beating a corpse.

We're now inside Rachel's English class, whith a teacher who clearly hasn't understood Romeo & Juliet at all. Rachel doesn't believe in love. "Who would love her?", the Alpha Bitch snarks.

Lunch time. Some pervert is videotaping the Alpha Bitch's - Jessie's ex-girlfriend's - arse. "Could you refrain from shooting my ass?" she says. What the hell is wrong with this people?

Lisa climbs the stairs to the gardening club. She looks miserable. Rachel realizes her absence and starts looking for her. The bells start ringing as Lisa gets dangerously close to the edge of the roof and then jumps.
"Did you see that?" asks one girl. There were people in the gardening club. THERE WERE PEOPLE IN THE GARDENING CLUB. How come no one tried to stop her?
She falls on a car and breaks the window. Everyone starts to crowd around her. Rachel is very upset and starts breaking stuff with her mind. Lisa's crush looks upset too, so I won't punch him in the face this time. However, I will gladly punch videocamera guy for asking, "Ooh, man. Whose car is this?"

How appropiate.

Rachel talks to the counselor - she's Sue Snell from the first book. Oh my.
While they're emptying Lisa's locker, they find something - she killed herself because of Erik. He, of course, feels guilty.
At work, Rachel's printing the photos Lisa gave her earlier. They are pictures of her date with Erik.
The popular kids - I'mma call 'em poopies from now on - come to bother Rachel. They want to buy her pictures and are utterly cruel.
Sue Snell interrogates Rachel the next day. She, just like me, is outraged. It seems like only the girls are capable of a little empathy in this world.
She has a flashback from the first movie that scares the crap outta me: Carrie having her period in the shower while Sue throws tampons at her.

I only wish that wall was her face. Also, Barney has fists
of steel.

Jesse is shagging that bitch-whatever-her-name-is in his car. The poopies are waiting for him and they congratulate him. I hate them more as time passes. I hope they die.
Bitch brushes her her. Erik tries to talk to her about the suicidal girl, but Bich doesn't care because 'she wasn't anybody'.
LISTEN TO ME. I DON'T CARE WETHER THIS GIRL WAS POPULAR OR NOT, SHE WAS A HUMAN BEING AND SHE DESERVES TO BE TREATED AS SUCH, YOU LITTLE FEELINGLESS SELFISH SLUT. *breathes in a bag* OK, I'm ready to go on.
So, Rachel's dog, Walter, is offed by a car. She picks him up and stops a car by breaking the window with her powers. It's Jesse. He takes Walter to the vet. He'll get better. Rachel and Jesse have dinner together. They talk about Lisa.

Sue talks to Rachel. She's looked at Rachel's file and it says her mum has schizofrenia
Rachel is all quiet, while Sue confesses her that she was in a mental asylum once. This was something I considered when I read the first book: I could imagine that Sue would go crazy, feeling guilty for what happened.

DAMN!

Rachel moves a cup with her mind. Sue realizes she has THE SHINING! (No, wait, that's from a different movie.) Rachel starts being creepy around Erik, slamming his locker closed and saying, "I know. I know what you did to her." Oh, and he gets suspended.

Then we see Jesse and Rachel flirting. I'm beginning to like this guy. You can't even tell he's a poopie. He asks her out - ZOMG!

The poopies are doing shenanigans at Rachel's, while she has a breakdown. They try to scare the crap out of her. When Jesse finds out, he's not happy about it and starts to defend her by saying that she's a very nice girl.

Finally, a male character that doesn't make me want to kill him.

Also, Rachel's foster dad started out good, but he's a douchebag. Rachel gets the blame for the bricks the poopies have thrown at her windows.
Sue has Rachel tested.
Rachel goes on a date with Jesse, they make out and I'm reminded of Thriller for some reason (I wonder if it's just me). Rachel says she wants her first time to be special, and he says it's okay.

Sue goes to the mental asylum to find out more about Rachel. She talks to Rachel's mother, who's convinced Rachel's the Devil. She tells her, eventually, that Carrie's father was the same as Rachel's.
Sue takes Rachel to the old high school - it looks creepy. Cool.
Erik gets in trouble and his father argues with the headmaster, just like in the first movie with Chris.
The Alpha Bitch gets angry when she sees Jesse talking to Rachel. "Okay, if he's gonna do it, you know, be seen talking in public with someone else, he should show some respect. I mean, he should show me the respect, at least to be seen with someone pretty, someone cool, someone who counts, you know, someone. But instead, it's her."

What school is this? The special school for sociopaths?

Rachel is buying make up and the Alpha Bitch's Best Friend (TM) talks to her and tells her that she doesn't really like Tracy, and asks her about Jesse. Then, she starts to try lipstick on Rachel. Ooh! Is this the typical scene from every teen movie ever made where the already pretty girl gets an unnecesary makover? She invites Rachel to a party. For the party, Rachel puts on a lot of skanky make-up. See? This is the unnecesary makeover I was talking about.
When Rachel comes home after having slow-mo sex with Jesse, her father slaps her and grounds her for a week, so she can't go to the party. Man, what an asshole - though I must say, my parents would have been worse about it.

Then we see a random big-lipped alligator moment of some guy shaving his head as Rachel watches the game on TV. Meanwhile, Sue tries to get Rachel to talk to her mother. And Jesse wins the game.
Time for the WILD TEENAGER PARTAY! While Rachel's at the fiesta and all the Jerk Jocks who look like skinheads with their head shaved want to dance with her, the Alpha Bitch tries to corrupt Jesse.
At the fiesta, Rachel finds out about the points and everyone laughs at her and play a sex tape of her. Her tatoo starts to grow. Enter violence. I'm sorry, but there was too much blood so I stopped looking. All of the jackasses get killed - I think - and Sue gets impalled. The house is set on fire.
Rachel's mum finally sees her and says she's the Devil. Then, here's this tear-jerker: "Please, momma, don't leave me! I don't have anyone!" She lies on the floor, crying. "Please, heart, let me die."
Jesse and The Bitch come looking for Rachel. She kills Tracy right away but spares Jesse to confront him, believing she was part of their game. He tells her that he loves her, but she doesn't believe him... or does she? They starte into each other's eyes... until something falls on Rachel. Her dying words are, 'I love you'. One year later, at university, Jesse is studying when the window opens itself and Rachel enters... and then this happens.

Holy shit, that almost gave me a heart attack! WTF?

Anyway, while the movie's not terribly bad, I expected something better, given the epicness of the original movie.

Harry Potter Challenge: Day 4

Your least favourite female character and why

Dolores Umbridge. Need I say why? Even her name means 'pains'. This woman is a serious sirius pain in the arse. She's ugly, unpleasant, sadistic, and treats people like kindergarteners. Totally deserved to be raped by centaurs.

My Immortal: Chapters 11 and 12

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok [You actually saw the movie?!] so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! Uh... what? besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap [crackle, pop] dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! [???] MCR ROX! Good to know.

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me Everything started flying towards you? Did you die? on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose [Yeah, you covered that.] (basically like Voldemort in the movie) Haha. and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. Holy shit! Someone who isn't gothic! It was… Voldemort! NAW!

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away. That's not what it does.

"Crookshanks!" Hey, no way! That's enough! Leave Hermione's cat alone! I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I would too if someone threw a random cat af me. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist Wha? so I stopped.

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" What's with the random Shakespeare talk now?

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I don't know who that is. Google time!

Yeah. Totally looks like Vampyre.

 I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. A gun? Why don't you just use Avada Kedavra? "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis." Telepathy! he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. You guys are like monkeys.

Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! stup it u poser bitch if u cant rit den donot rit ok! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok! Oh my... *shoots herself*

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. How NOT Mary Sue-ish! People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. No you don't. You guys suck. The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, [You met him  like a day ago.] Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid. No. Hagrid too? Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) [However, you wear cross earrings.] or a steak [Medium or rare?]) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. If you had seen that movie you'd now that it's amazingly cheerful. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. And I don't care. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. YOU LIE!

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' [Hey, that's my friend's name. Don't you dare drag her into this mess!] and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted (concerned?) voice. She'd previously arranged with you that she was going to ask you if you were OK.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! His name is Vampire! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. You were already crying.

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. ??? He was just waiting inside the wall, apparently.

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?) Actually, no, but you ruined it by pointing it out.

I started to cry and cry. Again? YOU WERE ALREADY CRYING! Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying. 'Cause Draco's so sensitive.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. He cried while he recited proverbs. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Ebony, Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." But you just said that he couldn't die... Whatever, man.

Harry Potter Challenge: Day 3

Which (if any) of the films have made you angry because they've ignored important parts of the book?

I must say, even though I'm happy with the movies, that the books are always better. Here are the candidates:

• In Philosopher's Stone, it's Harry, Ron and Neville who are out of their beds when McGonagall surprises them because Malfoy has tricked them. Hermione is very angry at them and tries to stop them because she's still an insufferable genius. In the movie, the trio go out to see Hagrid, which I don't think makes a lot of sense.
• Again in Philosopher's Stone, the four of them - Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Neville - go to the third floor because they're hiding from Filch, not because of their stupidity like in the movie. In the movie Neville's presence is omitted. I think Neville's presence in the books might foreshadow how awesome he was going to become later.
• The films cut out most of Ron's clever lines, making him seem stupid. In the books, Ron is actually quite clever, but he's usually overshadowed by his older brothers so he doesn't try a lot.
• In Deathly Hallows, making Fred's death so short. This was supposed to be the turning point of the book, and represents that war isn't fair and kills those we love.
• The random change of Lavender from black to white and Crabbe from white to black.
• The Hermione in the films being really hot. In the books, she was a frumpy girl who could be pretty when she wanted to, but didn't care too much about her looks. Ron's surprise about her being asked out by Victor Krum in the Goblet of Fire movie falls into Hollywood Homely instead.

Harry Potter Challenge: Day 2

Your favourite of the 8 movies?

Prisoner of Azkaban. I felt that it condensed very well everything, including the transition from childhood to adolescence. Also, Draco got really hot on that one.

Also, Harry Potter and the Year Nobody Got a Haircut deserves a mention. I remember crying over Cedric's death in the book, but when I saw the movie and I saw Pattinson's cold body... You know, my friends forced me to see Breaking Dawn Part 2, and there's a scene when Edward supposedly dies, and  everyone in the cinema - including me - was yelling, 'CEDRIC!'.

Harry Potter Challenge: Day 1

Your favourite of the 7 books?

I'm not actually sure. I think it would be Deathly Hallows. In my opinion, the conclussion for everything that had been going on for seven books was simply perfect. You should re-read all of the books after reading Deathly Hallows: for example, you understand Snape's motivations. Have I ever mentioned that I want a tatoo that says Always on my left shoulder? It shows both my love for Deathly Hallows and Bon Jovi.

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life This one gets a title randomly.

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. What? God reviewed your story 5 times? Now, seriously, I'm worried. Who did this? If they weren't trolls, I fear for humanity. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! Are you from NZ now? Vel mai dier frend Im afrayd dat's not gunna happin. STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue [No, she isn't a Marie Sue. She's a MARY SUE.] ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! That's offensive to satanists.  n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! What? Depressed? Because she slits her wrists? Do some research on actual depression, then we can talk. And I don't see how that doesn't make her a Mary Sue. Bella Swan is depressed and she's a Mary Sue.

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings [I do not know what a sing is] on my nails in red nail polish Didn't you just say your nails were black? Whatever... (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). Yes. A Goth Sue.  I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. *snort* Lame attempt at purple prose. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. WHY DOES EVERYONE LOVE ME?! Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then… *le gasp*

Is this how you french pasively?

We started frenching ["Ô mon amour, embrasse-moi!" "Jamais! Tu resembles à un boggart!"] passively [You're that lazy?] and we took off each other's clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took off my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine [Lolwut? Ebony has a penis?] and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) Yeah, pretty much.

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm [gross] when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. OMFG! It's the DARK MARK! It was a black heart with an arrow through it. Wow, Voldie has changed his style a lot. Can't say I'm surprised, though. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire! *gasp!* Getting interesting!

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much. I read a continuation for this somewhere. It went like this:

"You know too much." Draco said grimly, removing his wand from the robes laying beside them on the floor.

"No! Draco, you can't kill me!" I said, flirtily of course.

"I must. Avada Kedavra!"

And the world was once again sain.

Man, I love writing these little 'what should have happened'. And killing Ebony.

Sadly, that's not what happens. 

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" And now you do too! Yay!

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what [a toothbrush?] but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people. Haha. Canon Snape would be all awesome in this situation, but this Snape is a fag.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep! And you're a poser!

Everyone in the class stared at me [Jeez, wonder why!] and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly. Where's the Draco we know and love?!

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. I do not think it means what you think it means. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. Why does everybody wear contacts here? She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. If her skin is white. why does she need white foundation?  Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Oh. This was an important issue in Spain. Maybe this gets a little better. Her real parents are vampires [Oh. Nevermind.] and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. I think she's depressed because Enoby throws her cat at Voldy in chapter 9. You'll see. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. Do not bring Hermione into this! I'm warning you! (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him. Good heavens! That does sound like Snape!

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. WTF? Weren't you dating Draco?

Everyone gasped.

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. Random POV switch? I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker.  We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.) I'm sensing Tara doesn't like preps.

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility [LOL, Ebony used to be a dude.] to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.

The world ends on a Friday

Chapter I

I hate those stupid gimps.

Look at them, gathering around the Sagrada Familia like there’s only one place to go in Barcelona. Now I can’t find my brothers between all these people – not that it would be a great loss if they went missing in this stupid country forever, of course, but my mother thinks otherwise.

“Excuse me,” I tell a fat, middle-aged man, trying my best to be polite. “I can’t find my brothers. They’re twins. They look like me, you know, auburn hair, hazel eyes, tall for their age… They’re eleven. Have you seen them?”

“Em sap greu, preciosa, però no t'entenc.”  He smiles at me like a perv, looking severely plastered. His teeth look rotten. He doesn’t understand a word of English, of course. They never do – spics aren’t particularly gifted at languages.

Frustrated, I try to break through the crowd. I’m wearing my new high heels, and my feet are beginning to hurt – not to mention how hard it is to walk on ice. I never expected it to be snowing in Spain.

At last, I spot them.

“Come here, you little turds!”

“You said turds!” says Freddie.

“Yeah, she totally did! Meaghan is so naughty! She shall be punished!” says Georgie.

My brothers are named after the Weasley twins from Harry Potter. And my name is Meaghan. Go figure.

“Mam sent me to get you guys! Come on, now!”  I look at my watch and sigh. I’ve lost almost ten minutes looking for these idiots.

“There you are! It was about time! Remember, we’re visiting here! We don’t know this country.” Mam is there, her arms crossed, looking unpleased. It’s our first Christmas since dad died, so she’s taking us on holidays to Spain to cheer us up. “Well? What are you waiting for?”

But we don’t answer. We are busy staring at the sky, where a giant fire ball seems to be coming right at us.

It hits with great impact. I fall to the ground and quickly lose consciousness.

My immortal commentary: 4, 5 and 6.

Ebony and Draco come back from the concert and have unerotic sex. Out of character Dumbledore with a headache surprises them. Draco starts being creepy. Harry's gay.

My Immortal review, chapters 2 and 3

The first chapter was astonishingly bad, but at least it was short. I swear I can feel my neurons committing suicide.

How to be a good writer

My Immortal: Commentary

You might not reach the levels of Shakespeare or even Stephen King, but your novel might be decent... Just don't do what she did.

Excerpt from Encyclopedia Dramatica: My Immortal is the most famous, notoriously bad fan fiction ever written. Based very loosely in theHarry Potter universe and featuring the blatant Mary-Sue protagonist Ebony (or often times "Enoby") Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, it reads like a detailed list of everything a fanfic author could ever possibly do wrong, only taken to exaggerated, horrifying extremes. Written by super-tard Tara Gilesbie, My Immortal was originally posted to sometime in 2006, but was subsequently deleted by the staff after causing a severe drop in the site's collective IQ. In fact, the fanfic is so unbelievably bad that many refuse to accept that it's real, insisting that Tara was only trolling and that the story is really a parody. Regardless of the author's intent, My Immortal remains one of the most cringe-worthy, unintentionally hilarious, so-bad-it's-good pieces of literature the internets have ever shat out.

Let's start, shall we?